like real people do
by erieva
Summary: A while into the meteor journey, Karkat's verbal slip-up and Dave's response leave Karkat upset and Dave having to confront his sexuality. Rose remarks on societal toxicity, Kanaya prepares a present, and everyone else is probably around somewhere.


"We are not watching _Good Luck Chuck._ It would be an exercise in futility, considering we've done so so many times that I have the entire mind-numbing script memorized! I hope something comes along soon to wipe my thinkpan of such an affront to the art of cinema! Even if my lookstubs were gouged from their sockets, Dane Cook's pale, elongated face will haunt me for the rest of my life!"

"So what, then?"

Karkat answers by pulling up a folder on his Husktop, and you peer over at his screen. "As you know, I have created a schedule of films in an attempt to dispel the monotony. Certain ones are best viewed consecutively."

"A Ben Affleck movie – again?" You are sick of Ben Affleck. His movies are shit, and you are beyond trying to find ways to ironically enjoy them. Not that _Good Luck Chuck_ is any better, but that one's like white noise at this point. You haven't watched the same Ben Affleck movie enough for it to fade into the background.

"Shut up and watch the next one," says Karkat, who you're currently using as a pillow. For a vaguely insectoid species with sharp teeth, trolls are really comfy. Or Karkat is, at any rate.

You adjust your position, snuggling further into his chest, and he stiffens before relaxing, wrapping an arm around your shoulder. A tingling sensation settles in your chest, like a loud beat that finds its place in your bones. "Hey, if we're being completely honest here, I didn't really watch the third one. Or the one after that. And if there was something after the credits of the second one, I didn't catch that either."

"Maybe if you'd actually pay attention to the movie, you'd like it. Besides, it's not Ben Affleck in this one –"

"Oh thank god."

"No need to thank me, Dave."

You look at his straight-laced expression, realize what he said, and start laughing. Because your world was created by twelve messed-up kids, and their leader is an angry loser who enjoys Ben Affleck movies and terrible erotica. You've even started _snorting_ , for fuck's sake, and you don't care.

When you calm down, he's _smiling_ at you. Not that you haven't seen him smiling before, especially in your company, but this particular content smile is soft at the edges, and his expression is open. Like there's nothing in the whole damn universe he'd rather do than sit here with you. Than just _look_ at you. It strikes a chord, and you're not sure if it's a good one. " _Wow._ You're really pitiful, Dave," he says, fond, then freezes up.

That's when something in you snaps, a metaphorical bucket of ice water dumped on your head, and you realize something about the whole situation. You're lying on another dude, watching rom-coms. That's hella domestic; not in any way you've ever personally experienced, but akin to the characters in some of these shitty _rom-coms._ Then there's the strange tingling feeling in your chest, only heavier. You immediately sit up, making sure your body parts are not touching Karkat's in any way whatsoever. Your hand brushes his bare skin as you do so, and it's like being [pleasantly?] electrocuted. The loss of contact is startlingly cold. "That's pretty gay, man," you say casually, laughing uncomfortably. "Which would be _so_ weird. Like, if you weren't insulting my shitty laugh or whatever it would make a pretty disgusting display–"

His deer-in-the-headlights expression morphs into a sneer. "Really? Oh, how sorry I am to have offended your delicate sensibilities by appearing 'gay,' a word which has been divorced of its positive connotations and dismembered by what else, but humanity!"

"Dude, calm down. Gay is when a boy likes another boy –"

"I know it's the homosexual thing! And I thank you, from the deepest regions of my mutilated pump biscuit, for reminding me how much you aren't 'gay,' even though your constructs of sexual identity are clearly inferior to ours! For a species whose males draw so many images of human genitalia like theirs – AND YOU KNOW WHAT? FUCK YOU, STRIDER. IN THE MOST PLATONIC SENSE."

You're not a total dumbass. You know the difference between vintage shitfit Karkat and genuinely disturbed Karkat. "Karkat? Look, I'm sorry that I pissed you off; I keep forgetting how sensitive you are with sexuality. I know that you like guys – like, trolls are wired that way, or whatever, so it's not gross like it is for human dudes –, and Rose likes girls, even though I do not want to talk about the sex life of my ecto-sis –"

He stands up. "I'm pretty tired. I'm going to my respite block now to be disgusting there – don't bother me."

"No, I know I fucked up here and I'm –"

"I SAID THAT I DON'T WANT TO BE BOTHERED." He storms out of the room, leaving you alone on the couch with his Husktop, which unfolds its legs and crawls underneath the couch. You really wish it didn't have legs.

In a state of whiplash, you try to recall how everything went to shit so quickly. He made a joke, you laughed, he said you were pathetic, you thought that the situation was bereft the 'b' in bromance, then he had a fit. Left with yourself and the cooling spot beside you where Karkat sat, your vague comprehension of the situation simultaneously fills you with nausea and elation. Fuck.

* * *

So. Studies of the wild Dave Strider has proven that he is a social creature. You flock in packs, as Karkat always comments when he comes across a version of you in the dream bubbles.

You don't want to socialize with more than one person, though, and while the Mayor is amazing and a rad listener, last you saw of him, he was busy alchemizing more cans to perform important municipal duties. Unfortunately, the meteor is an ideal middle school field trip with everyone practically attached at the hand to their buddy, so Rose is likely to be with Kanaya. If you want to be psychoanalyzed, you're bound to have an audience. Or at least someone else who's going to know every detail of your conversation.

Whatever. It's just one question. Thankfully, Kanaya isn't around for once. "Hey, Rose. What's up? Are you busy?"

Sitting on the sofa in the common area, her nose is buried in some kind of troll novel, likely one of Kanaya's shittier vampire romance offerings. "I was in the middle of this chapter, actually."

"Cool. I've got a question."

"I'm at a climactic moment right now –"

"Fine. Looks like I'll just take my emotional issues right out that door. Guess I'd better find some other depository for all these psychological problems masquerading as teenage angst."

She perks up, like you knew she would, and takes out a notepad and pen that she keeps in her Sylladex for the express purpose of looking 'official' when analyzing your psyche. "Always happy to help, Dave."

"Sadist."

"That is an unfounded assumption."

"I could pull up Pesterchum to show you the receipts, but whatever. Just don't – don't tell anyone."

"Why, everything the patient says is in complete confidence. Cross my heart; I swear on my degree from the Wikia Institute of Psychology."

"I'm serious, Rose."

"So am I. What kind of unfeeling monster do you see me as, Dave?" You barely get the chance to open your mouth. "Don't answer that question. What's up?"

"You know about quadrants and that shit, right?"

"I've read several books on the subject, especially since I've entered a matespritship with Kanaya. But if you want someone who really knows about quadrants, why don't you just ask Karkat?"

"Nope. No way whatsoever. Do not pass Go, do not collect 200 dollars. You landed in jail, and you've got three chances to roll doubles. And you've used up your first two rolls."

A knowing expression passes over her face, and she jots something down in her notepad. You feel your cheeks heat up. Know-it-all. "So I assume that your question involves Karkat."

"Er, maybe, kinda-sorta, yeah. He said things, then I said things, and then he yelled things, and I'm pretty sure I upset him." Which sucks because Karkat is your best bro, surpassing even John, and you have no idea what to do.

"He's not difficult to upset."

"Well, yeah, he'll launch into a tantrum on basically any subject if you give him enough time and ammo, but that's fine and usually hilarious. But he's genuinely pissed this time."

Rose looks up, and you must look sincere enough that her tone becomes more sympathetic. "Well, then describe the situation."

"Ok, we were watching some of his shitty romance movies, then we talked, and I laughed, and he said that I was pathetic."

"You mean that he told you he pitied you."

"That I was pitiful, yeah. What does that even mean."

Rose facepalms. "You've watched who knows how many troll romances, and you still have no idea how quadrants work?"

"Hey, I pay attention sometimes! And it's not like you got it right away either, since you were too gay to listen to Kanaya and kept trying to butt in her explanations with weird poetry –"

"While some of Emily Dickinson's poetry may not have been interpreted that way by less advanced minds," Rose interrupts.

"– Or combined with MCR," you mutter, but she ignores you.

"Firstly, my seduction methods are practically flawless, and secondly, you're getting off topic. Do I need to explain quadrants to you?"

"No. I know that there's a love quadrant and a hate quadrant, and you're supposed to have sex with those people and put your jizz in a bucket or something. Then there's the pale one, which is like hardcore bromancing that takes itself way to seriously. Then there's the clubs one in which one person tries to cockblock the other two. Or prevent them from killing each other; might be the same thing in troll society."

Rose blinks. "That's more than I thought you knew, to be honest, even though it's not exactly correct. From what I understand, black romance is not so much the human concept of hatred as competitive rivalry with mutual attraction and admiration."

"And what about pity?"

"Pity is what trolls equate with our romantic love. Well, the closest concept they have to it."

"Oh," you say, like a dumbass.

"Oh," agrees Rose, nodding. "I assume that you responded in an offensive manner, something that clearly outlined how heterosexual you are."

 _It would make a pretty disgusting display…_ "No, I – pretty much, yeah." You're in a state of shock about the whole thing. With how he was looking at you and how he reacted to you no-homoing so hard (ha) Bro's giving you a thumbs-up from the afterlife, maybe you shouldn't be so surprised. But here you are, asking a question you anticipated the answer to.

Rose looks at you sympathetically. "So Karkat confessed his feelings toward you, and you basically rejected him," she summarizes. "That explains why he is upset. If you want my advice, I'd say to talk to him."

"Like your communication with Kanaya was perfect; remember when neither of you could admit or fucking understand you definitely had a romantic date, and you wore a prom dress and Kanaya didn't dress up at all –"

"And you helped me then," she says. "Doesn't make you less of a disaster now."

"And say what? Sorry you're caught up in the Strider charm; you wouldn't be the first, but it sucks because we're bros and I can't – I don't like-like you back."

"'Like-like?'" Rose doesn't entirely succeed at containing her laughter. "How eloquent. If _I_ were to say that, you would claim I was behaving like 'some jerk-off at a middle school dance when the slow song comes on.' And you're the one who compared my relationship with Kanaya to yours with Karkat."

"Not like there's anyone else you're constantly hanging around."

"So I could say the same for you?"

"I'm not gay." Jade, Terezi, Rose. Okay, maybe you shouldn't use that last one as an example, but still. You like _girls_.

"I don't think Karkat would use that term, either. Nor would Kanaya, though I understand she prefers women exclusively for her copescient quadrants. I understand you grew up sheltered; need I tell you what –"

"Yeah, yeah, there's bisexuality and potsexual –"

"Pansexuality," Rose corrects. "Any reason you can't be attracted to men? The evidence I have collected over the years to attest to your repressed blatant –"

"Yeah, _every_ facet of my personality can be traced back to an insatiable hunger for dick – cut the crap, Rose; we both know that was you fucking with me! I'm not gay, or bisexual; I'm not one of those freaks with rainbow tutus and squeaky voices! And yeah, I'm a time traveller in asshole pajamas, but I'm _normal_. Okay!"

Rose looks taken aback, and when she recovers, her expression is unreadable. You're breathing, hard, your chest about to compress and combust, blood pumping thick and hot at your temples. "Okay," Rose's voice is measured. "Okay. Dave, how would you like to sit down?" She moves to one side of the sofa and gestures for you to join her.

You don't want to, but your limbs feel heavy, and you sit as far apart from her as possible. She doesn't move closer, and remains still until your breathing has slowed. Her voice, though soft, cuts cleanly through the pause. "Maybe I was fucking with you. Maybe part of me wanted someone to identify with. Maybe the answer is more complicated than even I know." When she says this next part, the vulnerability in her voice is laced with defiance. "You don't… you don't think less of me for being gay, do you?"

You find your voice. "What? Rose, no. Of course not."

Her lips tilt upward at that. "I – I didn't think so. So."

"So?"

"So you don't think less of Karkat for being bisexual?"

"No?"

"I get what you're going through isn't a logical thought process, but are there any conclusions we can draw from these two questions?"

You're standing on the edge of realization; you get where she's going with this, but…

"So at the risk of setting you off again, I'd like to ask: is your objection to having romantic feelings for Karkat because of his gender, or because of Karkat himself?"

There's no way you're making it around this landmine without setting off an explosion. "I dunno, I mean why wouldn't I be more weirded out by Karkat being a dude rather than him being Karkat? Shit, the guy's great to be around; he just. Cares so fucking much about everything. And if I did like dudes, he's not bad looking for one with grey skin and horns. You ever find it crazy how humanoid they are, while also looking like fucking aliens with those pancake flat noses with slits… like that one evil wizard dude. And what's with those goat eyes? Karkat's are pretty big for his face with these weird flecks –"

"Hmmmm… Amazing how your off-topic tangents circle back around to Karkat." Annoyingly smug, Rose taps her chin with her pen.

"I – I think need to go lie for a while," you say, standing up and turning to leave. You do feel dizzy. "Find a nice hole on this meteor to crawl in and await the sweet, sweet release of death. I – yeah."

"You're welcome," says Rose from behind you. "And just one more thing." You turn back towards her. "I had never really seriously considered dating girls before. I knew they were more attractive than men, but part of me figured that was merely society's insistence on female beauty. I mean, my only friends were you, John, and Jade. I had my suspicions, but didn't really recognize how I felt toward women until I met Kanaya."

"But I still like girls."

She shrugs. "And I sometimes, though very _very_ rarely, still find guys attractive, though it's mainly in the way one would find a statue attractive, or a character in a book."

"Yeah, it's not exactly a secret you dabble in the art of smutty wizard slash."

She glares at you momentarily, then softens. "There are so many problems to deal with now, and so many mistakes that have been made, that sexuality really isn't something I put energy into hating myself over. It's up to us to choose what to salvage of human society, and I've chosen literature and knitting. Whatever internalized bullshit you're dealing with is the last vestiges of Western society trying to punish you for escaping its clutches. Don't let it win."

"I –" You're not sure how to finish that thought; you just hate it sometimes when she makes a valid point.

"Think about it."

"Yeah. Thanks." You give a slight nod of your head, and she mimics the awkward motion.

"Don't be a stranger," she calls as you leave.

* * *

You find yourself walking in circles. Your chest feels tight, like a coil waiting to spring. _But I'm not gay_ , you still think. _Gay dudes are like guys with bad lisps and French accents who wear Hawaiian shirts. Or like Bro's smuppets – being ironic_. But it doesn't feel ironic.

And yeah, what you and Rose talked about, being bisexual and… if there was nothing wrong with her and Karkat… and maybe if you were, you and Karkat –

You're seriously debating the dateability of another guy; that's got to make you a little bit bisexual. Maybe it's best if you don't think of it as gay.

(Bro used other words, too. _Don't be a sissy. A fucking pansy. Stop lying there; get up and fight like a real man, you fa_ –)

Whatever he tried to make you not be, you're still pretty weak. Maybe it's just you, not the gayness, since all the gay/bi people you've met are better heroes. Rose, Terezi, Kanaya, Karkat –

Karkat, who, before morphing into anger, looked like someone kicked a little barkbeast right in front of him, and yeah. You're going to have to fix it somehow.

Your train of thought comes to a halt when it – or more accurately, you – collide with an unsuspecting obstacle. Kanaya looks put off at first, then grins. Her smiles can be even more unnerving than Rose's – though not nearly as much as Terezi's – on account of her sharp, prominent fangs. Hopefully her elation is not because no one else is around to witness her midday snack.

"Dave! I was just looking for you, for a couple reasons. Come with me; I left the fabric in a chest nearby."

"Woah, slowwww down there, Maryam, what kinda lousy proposal is that? You want me to visit your fabric chest, you gotta make me feel special. I'm not that kinda girl."

"You are the closest to Terezi's waist size, and you are also not currently monopolized by Vriska. Does that not sound complimentary enough?"

She starts down the hallway, motioning for you to follow, and you do. You still haven't figured out exactly what you're going to say to Karkat, and whenever he takes a genuine pirouette off the fucking handle, it's best to give him a while to calm down. "I guess, if you're insinuating that I don't have bad enough taste to want to hang out with Vriska."

Her skin glows with embarrassment before she locks that shit down, and oh yeah, weren't they friends or something? You remember Vriska cockblocking Rose's and Kanaya's not-dates, especially before Rose started to sober up. "Well," she says when you reach a large purple chest, "Here we are." She opens the chest and pulls out squares of red and teal fabric. Running her fingers over the fabric, she hums softly.

"So, uh, what's this for?"

Kanaya removes a spool of thread, a needle, safety pins, and a pair of scissors from her Sylladex. "Terezi's wriggling day is approaching, and I wanted to make her a present."

"Shit, that's coming up soon? Should put that on the Community Calendar. We could introduce her to the concept of a 'Human Surprise Party.'"

"An interesting suggestion, to consider later. I'm going to recreate one of the lesser-known outfits worn by her ancestor; meeting Latula has given me ample inspiration."

"Seems to me like TZ has pretty mixed opinions on her ancestor." You don't blame Terezi for that one; Latula's the postertroll for being a poser. You weren't around for the convo, but Karkat, who finally found someone he hates more than himself in Kankri, said meeting her ancestor wasn't a walk in the park for TZ, either.

"Hmmm, even if she did not feel as enamoured with her teenaged ancestor as I did with mine, I will be basing the costume more on Neophyte Redglare than Latula. Rose expressed concerns as well, but I assured her my desire to give Terezi a gift was sincere, and she blushed and mumbled an apology. I recently read that gift giving on wriggling days was a common human gesture of friendship, and wish to attempt it."

"Don't worry about Rose's opinion on that," you say, "you can bother her if you want more details, but she's got a mad vendetta against presents; gotta find out if they have some ulterior motive or a bomb of passive-aggressiveness will detonate. So. Making someone an outfit is a pretty rad gift to me."

"I had considered knitting her something, but too much of my yarn became hopelessly tangled after Rose invited me for a knitting date and 'accidentally' tied us together in an attempt at a romantic gesture," Kanaya says fondly. "And as I have yet to alchemize more, creating an outfit in this manner will suffice."

"Yeah, Rose is the queen of smooth operators," you say. "So. What do you want me to do?"

"Raise your arms above your waist, please." You do so, and Kanaya wraps the red fabric around your waist, measuring it, and pulling it away. She hums as she works, the buzzing filling the otherwise quiet of the room.

With how noisy Karkat is, everywhere you go is filled with other people talking, which is preferable to the sweltering silence of your old Texas apartment, which was only interrupted by the sounds of traffic outside, which you tried to tune out and listen for evidence of Bro trying to get a drop on you. Unfortunately, he was eerily good at being dead silent. It's nice to be around people making noise for the sake of making noise.

Kanaya interrupts the memory. "Karkat could not tell me where you were. He would not let me into his room, or tell me what was wrong. When I attempted to barge in, he threw several shirts at me until I left. From what I understand of his tantrum, it had something to do with you. What happened?"

"We, uh. I said something stupid that pissed him off. There was a misunderstanding, and now this is the scene in the movie where the two romantic leads angst through blurry shots of rain and music in minor key until the climactic scene in which the two lovers fall into a tender embrace and all unnecessary drama is forgiven. Not that Karkat and I are the romantic leads; we've just been watching too many shitty movies."

"Karkat is one of my dearest friends, and I do not like to see him actually upset." Shit, you can see a hint of Kanaya's fangs.

"I'm not gonna leave this situation with emotional blueballs," you say. "I just wanna give Karkat some time. Yeah, I know he's beating himself up like always, but I need a few more minutes to think. I don't wanna dump a load of salt into the wound with more of my societal hang-ups."

"As long as it's fixed before you retire to your respite block," Kanaya says, and pins the fabric in place around your waist.

Your shirt gets pushed up in the process, and her knuckles brush against your bare skin. You shiver – is the coldness in her skin because of the vampire thing, or the rainbow blood thing? Karkat runs slightly warmer than you, and the couple of times your hands brushed Terezi's, it gave you a chill in more ways than one. You briefly reflect on all the times Karkat's skin touched yours, and how it's recently been feeling more charged with hot-cold.

Kanaya cuts along the middle of the fabric, dangerously close to your crotch. Despite her cold skin (does Rose really like macking on someone that temperature?), the touch is nice, but you hadn't anticipated this kind of intimacy from what you'd hoped would be a quick waist fitting. Kanaya pins the fabric in place along your legs.

"So, uh. Rose seems to like that trashy vampire novel a lot. The one you gave her."

Kanaya takes a step back to judge her handiwork so far, and clicks in a way you think is dissatisfaction. She takes out the teal fabric and holds it up to the red. "I had hoped so! _In Which A Jadeblood Rainbow Drinker Encounters A Highblood And Several Flushed Encounters Are Described In Smutty Detail, A Hoofbeast Is Murdered, And The Black Romantic Leads Settle Into A Pale Relationship At The End; Featuring Several True Descriptions Of Alternian Daytime_ is one of my favorite novels."

"In a way that hopefully doesn't sound dismissive of your culture, I gotta say that it sucks that your book and movie titles are all spoilers. I don't wanna sit down for a horror film titled _The Jump Scares Appear 12, 15.6, 43.9, And 60 Minutes Into This Incredibly Cheesy, Low Budget Movie, and Bob, Sally, Barbara, And Joe Die When Their Guts Are Ripped Out By The Eldritch Horror._ What's the fucking point."

"It's the journey that counts in a story."

"And the hot, steamy hatesex."

"Well," Kanaya responds, not meeting your eye and cutting a couple strips of teal fabric.

"Rose and I were chattin' about stuff," you say, "Nothing in particular; just two ectosibs bonding over how much girls are the shit."

"They are," agrees Kanaya.

"Yeah, so even though dudes exist, _you_ don't wanna bang them, which, the thought of the troll slurry biznasty gives me the heeby-jeebies, but since you're all bisexual, how does it work when you're different; does it affect, yunno –"

Kanaya pins strips of teal fabric to the red. "Rose says bisexuality is being attracted to two or more genders, which most trolls are, but I've never made a red or black emotional connection with a male troll, and have no desire to."

Yeah, and you don't have much desire to form a romantic attachment to a dude. Except you do, because fuck what Bro wanted, and fuck you especially. "But you got a choice?"

"My preference for women does not affect procreation," Kanaya says, "Considering trolls of all genders produce genetic material when they have properly filled their quadrants."

"So if you're matespirits with Rose –"

"Matesprits."

"Yeah, whatever. Humans don't; Ok, maybe some humans do, but I don't think Rose does the inclusive relationship thing, so are you gonna date someone else, since that's what you gotta do to reproduce?"

"I'm not worried about filling all my quadrants at the moment, though at my developmental stage I should be? I never considered how strange it was, but I'm… more than content with Rose."

"Yeah, but she's only in one corner of your romance foursquare, right?"

"Well, I definitely feel flushed for Rose." Kanaya's sewing slows as she considers her next words. "There are moments when she infuriates me, though it was more common when we first met, and keeps me on my toes, though I do not feel pitch. Thinking about her makes me feel… have you ever tasted violet blood?"

"I'm gonna have to say a hard no for that one."

"Right… well, it's hard to describe, now that I think about it… it's warmth, and relief running through my bloodpusher. I want to be around her, and I want her to reciprocate. And she does!" When talking about Rose, Kanaya's hands make wide, excited movements, suddenly pulling on a piece of thread so hard you almost lose balance.

"So what makes it different from pale? You don't want to be a shoulder to cry on?"

"I don't stop feeling flushed for her when she needs comfort. It can be frustrating when she gets so distant."

"Yeah, sounds like Rose. But it sounds kinda like you're feelin' some of those emotions at the same time."

"I hadn't examined it to that extent, but. Perhaps. I still find 'matesprit' to be the most apt term."

"So… feeling like doing what your (admittedly fucked up) society told you right away, and not getting all hatemance with Vriska or Terezi or romo-bromance with Karkat, doesn't fuck with your head at all?"

She considers it while sewing a teal pocket onto the pants. After a moment, she answers, "I – not at the moment. Besides, filling my black quadrant isn't too important now, given we must focus on endgame before rebuilding our race."

"Yeah, didn't you have something to do with that business? Whatever I heard about that from Rose and Karkat was. Not much."

"Jade bloods' purpose in society is centered around assistance and grub rearing. I had a personal mission," She remains focused on her stitches. "To rebuild our race. When I unlocked the Matriorb, my hope had been reignited. But it was purposefully destroyed, and I have not yet figured how to save our species when all is said and done." She says the last part harshly, and the fabric tightens. Terezi's a bit wider than you, so if Kanaya keeps this up it might not fit, but you don't feel like interrupting Kanaya with such information when she's so upset. She continues stitching in silence for so long you consider breaking it. You don't have to. "It was all that remained of my Lusus," she says, more to herself than to you.

 _Oh._ You remember Bro's death, wanting to feel sad and not managing to feel much at all except a sense of relief you couldn't comprehend. But like your other friends, Kanaya's grub mom probably loved her in a weird alien grub way. "That sucks. Hope you punched whatever asshole fucked that up for you."

"Well, I did enact my revenge by cutting him in half with my chainsaw," Kanaya says wistfully, like she's sorry the dude is already in halves and she can't do it again. Besides the whole 'bloodthirst' thing and the times when she wanders the dark hallways with chainsaw in hand, Kanaya can be so pleasant compared to Creepo the Clown, Vriska, and Terezi (though TZ is cool) that you sometimes forget she's murderous in her own right. The only troll you've met who isn't big on actual murder is… well.

"Jesus," you say, and you almost don't notice when Kanaya pricks you with one of her pins.

"Sorry! We are almost done here."

"Shit, I've just been enjoying being used as a dress up doll so much." Kanaya appears unimpressed with your sarcasm, likely because she is dating the master. "Yeah. I'm just gonna put my foot in my mouth here; it has accepted its destiny."

"Well?"

"What will you do if, uh, you can't hatch your.. I'm just gonna go with grub mamma here."

"Mother Grub."

"Yeah, you said something about your purpose being child rearing? What will you do if this session ends with us creating some weird species that's not trolls or humans?"

"Keep trying, I suppose."

"Even if it doesn't work out, we can make Egbert get his ectobiology on. An army of ugly hybrid wriggler babies; even if you don't have your Mother Grub, that's still something. If you wanna take care of hybrid babies; someone else probably doesn't suck with babies. Just don't entrust the care of the assholes to me." _Or your teen bro._

She smiles. "I appreciate your attempts at comfort. We are almost finished, by the way."

Your shoulders slump in relief. "I get that you weren't worried about not having a hatemate, or getting to cockblock someone. You know, the auspicium thing."

"I've been an auspistice before. It's... challenging."

"Yeah, well. You shouldn't start worrying about it now. If we defeat the fifty or something bullshit villains and win, it's our town. Well, probably the Mayor's town, but our universe, and we can make a universe without shitty romance rules. And if some douche in stupid rad pointy sunglasses doesn't like it…" You trail off.

"I'm beginning to suspect that what you're saying isn't entirely for my benefit, but I think the sentiment is a good one." Kanaya ties off a piece of thread and steps back in satisfaction. "And I am done! Thank you for helping. I am going to need those pants now."

You strip them off, careful not to pull down your godtier pajamas. "No problemo. TBH, I was in a shitty mood and I still kinda am 'cause of what happened with Karkat, but standing here and being your mannequin is less shitty than moping in my room like a kid whose dad took his computer for the weekend so his only form of entertainment is watching the asbestos peel off his ceiling, so yeah." You nod, and she nods, motioning towards the pants in your hands, and yeah. She needs those. "I just wanted to say, if you don't know what the fuck you're doing, we're all in the same rock hurtling towards certain doom. We should hang out more, seeing as you're my future sister-in-law and all."

"Sister-in-law? As in, a hatchmate who enforces order?"

"It's goes along with marriage, which is a human romance thing. Ask Rose about it sometime."

"You are going to talk to Karkat now?"

"Give me like, two more minutes of baseless wandering to collect my thoughts, and yeah. Going to tell him that. Things will be said. Gonna get some quality fuckin' communication up in this business."

Kanaya places her supplies into her Sylladex. "I'm glad he has someone who cares as much as you do." She nudges your shoulder with hers. She's stronger than you, so it tingles afterwards. "A gesture of camaraderie between trolls."

You almost crack a smile, and hold your hand up. "A high-five," you say. "It's a human friendship thing; you smack my hand –" you remember how her nudge felt "– gently."

The high five still stings, but she looks proud of herself, so you decide not to comment. "Huh."

"Well, see you 'round," you say, heading in the direction of Karkat's respiteblock.

"Bye," she responds, and as she makes her way in the other direction, you can hear her mutter, "A romantic gesture – marriage."

* * *

You make your way down to Karkat's respiteblock, not even taking the scenic route. It takes you shorter than you'd hoped because you pass too close to the vents and hear honking. Nope, nope, nope.

When you reach Karkat's quarters, you knock on the door. You think he might be sleeping for a moment, but then you hear a shout. "Whoever you are, go the fuck away!"

You get a feeling that he's trying to avoid you at all costs, and responding with your voice probably isn't the best idea. You decide to knock again.

"What malformation of your thinkpan is so detrimental that you cannot comprehend my simple directions? GO AWAY."

You knock again, but this time you don't stop. "If you're Dave, go away. ESPECIALLY if you're Dave."

"No, I'm Kanaya." you raise your voice half an octave and try to sound classy. "Please Open The Door, Karkat, Or I Will Drain Every Tasty Drop Of Dave's Blood."

"That was just pitif – WHAT THE FUCK AM I SAYING? DID YOU NOT HEAR MY CLEAR INSTRUCTIONS TO LEAVE ME ALONE, YOU IDIOTIC DOUCHEBAG?"

He almost called you 'pitiful' again, and your heart does something strange in response, even though he might not have meant it _that_ _way_ this time. "I'm trying to talk to you, here."

"WELL, DON'T."

 **\- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 20:15.-**

 **TG: not leaving you alone until we talk**

 **TG: seriously ive got all night**

 **TG: and day as well**

 **TG: im immortal bro i dont even need to sleep or eat**

 **TG: look if you dont at least talk to me through this then were doing it by shouting through the doors which probably isnt the best method**

 **TG: unless you want everyone on this rock to hear our conversation and come running to check out the drama because there hasnt been overly much lately and were all starving sharks waiting to snatch up the juiciest bit of gossip**

 **TG: look man i dont want vriska to pop out from somewhere and give a lecture on teamwork and tell us we should be training or smth instead of assholing about like preschoolers who broke each others favorite toy and need a teacher to tell us to play nice**

 **TG: do you want that karkat**

 **TG: do you**

 **CG: ARE YOU INCAPABLE OF FOLLOWING INSTRUCTIONS?! OR PRACTICING ANY SORT OF SOCIAL DECENCY?**

 **TG: probably**

 **CG: I JUST WANT TO GET PEACE AND QUIET IF THAT'S TOO MUCH TO ASK. WITHOUT BEING ASSAULTED BY THE INANE DRIVEL EMERGING FROM YOUR FACE GASH.**

 **TG: look i was wrong**

 **CG: YOU WERE WRONG? YOU WERE WRONG? WRITE THIS DOWN, COME SEE, LADIES AND GENTLE-TROLLS, FOR TODAY IS THE DAY DAVE STRIDER, MASSIVE TOOL, ADMITS THAT HE WAS WRONG ABOUT SOMETHING.**

 **TG: dont rub it in you ass**

 **TG: im just**

 **TG: well i think i didnt fully understand what you were saying before**

 **CG: IN TERMS OF WHAT? YOU CLEARLY DON'T UNDERSTAND MY REQUEST TO BE LEFT ALONE – SHALL I OUTLINE THAT FOR YOU? IT INVOLVES YOU WALKING AWAY FROM THIS DOOR, AND NOT COMING BACK FOR THE NEXT SEVERAL SWEEPS.**

 **TG: nah man i understood that part**

 **TG: im just not going to follow those instructions**

 **TG: i meant that when you said you pitied me or something like that**

 **CG: AND YOU MEAN TO SAY THAT EVEN AFTER SITTING THROUGH ALL OF THOSE MOVIES, YOU STILL HAVEN'T PICKED UP ON SIMPLE WRIGGLER TERMINOLOGY? NEVER MIND. HOW ABOUT YOU CONTINUE TO NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT THAT MEANT?**

 **CG: oh that sounds like a great idea karkat**

 **TG: no**

 **TG: can you just let me finish here**

 **TG: or maybe you can come out so we can finish this one on one mono e mono this isnt the kinda thing i wanna hash out over pesterchum**

 **TG: its not bad i promise swear on the mayors sash you know i would never diss the mayor**

 **CG: ...**

 **CG: FINE. I'LL OPEN MY DOOR, YOU COME IN, AND YOU HAVE ONE MINUTE TO TALK.**

 **TG: that door looks pretty closed to me dude**

 **CG: THEN LET ME GET UP AND OPEN IT, ASSHOLE.**

 **\- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] at 20:26.-**

 **TG: 3**

When he opens the door, your heart seizes, and you briefly consider you've interpreted the situation incorrectly. He regards you warily with his attentive eyes, black and red pupils stark against a background of yellow sclera, and you feel your face grow hot. Well, so much for Mr. Cool Dude. His thick grey skin darkens with a blush. "Well? Are you going to stand there all night like a startled hopbeast, or are you going to come in?"

"Hold onto your panties, Vantas." He steps aside as you walk into his room, and you both situate yourselves on a shirt pile, since the only other option is his vat of slime.

"C'mon, Dumbass. One minute."

"Okay. Well, I just wanted to say that I overreacted, and I didn't mean to make you upset. I fucked up, and I'm sorry, and I while I can't promise that I'm done freaking out about my human sexuality bullshit, I'll keep the bad no-homo shit out of your business." You look down at your hands, twiddling your thumbs in your lap. Your nails are shorter than Rose's, since you have a habit of chewing on them. You didn't notice until she pointed it out.

"No, it's – I forgot how humans work, for a second, and that's ignoring the factor where it's me, and I – I tried so hard not to fuck this up, but I did. Surprise!" Karkat's nails are more like claws, and he files them. They're digging into the shirt pile.

"What are you talking about, dude?"

"Ignoring the part where I rushed our session and gave your universe cancer?! I started out with a team of twelve trolls who were sort of friends, and I couldn't stop them from literally killing each other. My relationships with them fell apart – Eridan, Sollux, fucking Gamzee! And then Terezi – I didn't know what I wanted her to be, but she got sick of waiting. For good reason! And as much as Vriska does not even deserve to breathe the same air as Terezi, at least Terezi's happier parading around like an asshole with her than dealing with my feculent indecision!

"And you – despite how dense you can be at times, you're pretty tolerable to be around, and being 'best bros' has been one of the best things that's happened to me. But I managed to screw that up, too, because I couldn't shut my talk blaster."

You grab one of Karkat's hands. "Hell no. The 'I HATE KARKAT FANCLUB,' party of one, is closed for business. No one's giving it any funding; we spent some of that dough on science programs, but mostly on the football team. We're still friends, bros for life, cause you're actually a great guy to be around, and it's fun to take the piss out of you. Whatever happened with your friends wasn't your fault, either. I mean, you kept eleven bloodthirsty teens on task, and hell, you won until Paradox Space screwed you over. And you know that some humans don't care about homosexuality – look at Rose."

"I assumed it was different for male humans, given yours' and John's insistence."

You reach up and scratch the back of your neck. "I – it's kinda different for human dudes, I guess? which kinda makes it suck for girls, too. I mean, you've seen our movies; you always see guys with girls, and if a guy acts like a girl, that's wrong because it's seen as 'weak' or some shit."

"I already know that human society is fucked up."

"Yeah, says the guy whose society encourages murder and jizzing into buckets, but yeah. It's messed up." He blushes at the mention of buckets, and crap, why can't your mouth say something good, for once?

"The point," you continue, "is that I guess that it's weird to think that I'm friends with a dude I couldn't stand a year ago. And if I kinda feel like face-mashing that dude sometimes, even though I really shouldn't? It makes a guy say things he doesn't really mean."

His eyes widen and his ears perk up in realization. "Oh."

"Oh? Why, Mr. Vantas! Take a gander at troll Shakespeare over here, wooing me with fucking sonnets. You've swept me off my feet; it's a good thing we're sitting down, since I'm swooning like a virgin on prom night. 'OH.' This how you respond to a confession? I'm bearing my heart and soul of a silver platter here… Romance is dead, Karkat, and you're beating its sundried corpse with a shovel..."

"Shut up, Dave." Karkat places a hand on your knee, and is it getting hot in here, or is it just you?

"I – I get what you said about quadrants, and that kind of shit, but isn't pity for the mory-legents thing, too? We're being all touchy now, but does this mean you just want to be cuddle pals?"

"Moirallegiance. I know that your primitive human tongue can wrap itself around the word. And it's supposed to be a different kind of pity for the pale and red quadrants, but I can't even do that right!" He takes his hand off your knee, and you immediately miss the warmth. Karkat throws his hands in the air, a clear sign that he's ready to have some kind of shitfit. "So I don't fucking know! I know everything about quadrants, to a tee, and yet – even the trolls with the most barely-functioning pans can get it right, but not Karkat Vantas! I thought it was just Terezi, and I could just feel pale for you… all that cuddling, and those feelings jams – which, oh yeah! Still makes me a loathsome, worthless bilgesack, since you don't *get* the nuances of pale _romance_ , and I would be forcing my emotions on you! I'm the most vile piece of waste in Paradox Space."

"Hey, don't say that about yourself." Karkat's hands are gripping his hair, and you wrap your hands around each wrist and then pull them down to the space in the pile between the two of you. "You're one of the most sincere, nicest guys I've ever met. It floors me that you feel so fucking much all the time, no matter how insignificant and petty, because there's no stopping the emotion avalanche, prepare to have all your cagey posturing bullshit demolished in the wake of the sheer amount of fucks this shouty troll gives. And all that shit we've been doing? Holding hands and snuggling on the couch to watch movies? I wanted to pretend that it was stuff normal earth bros do, but it's not. It's… it's ga – human romantic to me; I guess it falls under the umbrella of palebro stuff for you –"

"But I don't just feel pale for you. It's like I'm constantly vacillating, but not quite! I'm such a greedy piece of shit; I feel too much, all at once, and it's not normal for us. There's a specific, biological reason! Otherwise, how would we be able to reproduce properly?"

"It's not exactly the same, I guess, but that's what it feels like to be into someone of the same gender. For humans. And I got it into my head that feelin' that way was gross, and you got it in yours that you need romance foursquare. And maybe we're feeling the same thing? Just because I wanna continue all those feelings jams, doesn't mean I don't not wanna smooch your face in a totally non-bro way, and I think you work that way, too."

Karkat's always been a fan of eye contact (thank fuck for your shades), and right now, it feels like he's looking through them, hanging onto your every word. "I'd say that's presumptuous, but maybe I am just that kind of fucked up."

"But it doesn't have to be fucked up! Rose says – well, she says a lot of psychological bullshit, but when she's sincere, she's hells of useful. It got me thinking… our planets don't exist anymore. The only ones around to enforce those stupid bullshit rules are us, so maybe we should just do what we want."

His right hand latches onto your wrist, and his left tenderly brushes a stray strand of hair behind your ear. "And what do you want?"

"Ah – you. Just… yeah."

He considers that, sliding his hand on top of yours and looking down the contrast of your skin, light brown against grey, and your heart feels like it's trying to escape from your chest. "I still don't know how this clusterfuck is going to work."

You flip your hand over to entwine your fingers with Karkat's. "Fuck if I know; hell, maybe we're both gonna freak out sometimes and keep coming back to these bullshit meaningless ideals, and it's gonna suck, but not being able to give this a shot would suck more. Whatever 'this' romantic clusterfuck is." You didn't even realize you wanted this until a couple hours ago, but every millisecond that passes without him responding feels like you can't breathe with anticipation. Shit; you're such an idiot –

"Dave. Can I kiss you?" If the room hadn't been so silent, you probably wouldn't have heard him say it. His expression is hopeful but tentative, like he can't believe something's finally going right for him and it's only a matter of time before it turns around and bites him in the ass.

Your mouth goes dry. "Yeah. That sounds like a plan. A very good plan."

"Right. Just punch me or something if you don't want this anymore. Put me out of my misery." Karkat leans in, and his face is so close that you can see the flecks of red in his pupils, glittering like rubies, and wow. Just when you think your internal monologue can't get any gayer.

It takes a couple of tries – his forehead bumps against your shades and he ends up knocking his nose against yours when you both try to orient your faces to fit together – but his lips are soft, and he makes a pleasant clicking sound when you comb your fingers through his coarse hair.

How could something that feels so right ever be wrong? Your doubts seem so trivial compared to Karkat's smile against your lips and his fingers gently interlaced with yours. Warmth – not like the stifling heat of your old apartment or the swelter of lava on LOHAC, but like Jade complimenting your beats or Rose laying a blanket over you after you caught the space flu – pleasant, radiates from everywhere his body touches yours in a giddy rush of emotion. And maybe your problems haven't vanished and neither have his, but this? It's a start.

* * *

 **AN:** This fic is crossposted to AO3, under the username eriev.


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